A few weeks ago, I had made the decision to take this site down because, but I love this site, it's my baby, I've put so much time and effort into this that taking it down didn't sit right with me. I honestly feel as if it has served its purpose. I always told you that my apology would be louder than my fuck-up, and to be completely honest, I feel as if it has been. This site was a way to show you and the world that I see you, that I value you, that I am so very sorry for hurting you, but mostly to show you how much I love you. So, I write this as an open letter to you, but more so to myself, as a way to express how I've felt this year. One thing I've learned in therapy is that I need to express my emotions, and this site has given me that outlet. I need to express myself in this very moment, so here I am. I'm just going to ramble, and to be perfectly honest, I doubt anyone will even see this. I took the site down three weeks ago, and I doubt anyone is checking to see if it's up anymore, so I can pretty much say whatever I want. 

I find myself thinking about the first day we met quite often—just lying there in bed, talking about God knows what. I can't remember one word that was spoken, but I do remember thinking I didn't want you to leave. I remember how much we laughed; we laughed so much over the course of a year and a half. We've had so many good times, made so many memories, and reflecting on them brings me joy. It's so crazy to think that now we are not speaking at all. I thought for sure by this time that at the very least we would be cordial, but nope... you hate me. I saw it in your eyes the day I came to your house. That look is burned into my brain. To know that you hate me makes me feel inadequate, but to know that you hate me is to know you possibly still love me. I believe that in order to have true hate for someone you have to have truly love them. I think you hate me because it's easier to hate me and keep me out of sight out of mind, than to allow yourself to keep feeling all of the love we had. I think you spend many nights telling yourself that none of this was real, and that I had no intention on spending the rest of my life with you. Blasia, I do not date people, i don't date just to date. When I made you my girlfriend, I made a promise to us to give you my life, and i had every intention of doing that.

The other day, I was out with some of the boys and their girlfriends, and one of the ladies brought you up. People still bring you up quite often... She asked, "Do you still love her?" And I said, "Of course!" Then she asked me why I haven't tried to get you back, and I told her that I tried everything I could within reason. She asked, "What's within reason mean? Either you tried or you didn't." I said I did what I could without going against your wishes. They asked if I ever went to see you, and I told them what happened. She said, "So go back! If you love her, fight for her. We will bail you out of jail." I'm not going to lie; I did get charged up about it after that conversation, and I honestly believe that I should have fought much harder in December and January. Instead of giving you space to process, I should have been fighting for you, and I believe that is where I lost you. Instead of showing you I would do anything to get you back, I just gave you space to overthink and dwell on the pain I caused.

I'm sure you sat around for months trying to convince yourself that I am this terrible person and that there were all these women. I'm sure you've played out so many scenarios in your head, thinking I've done so much wrong. I'm not excusing what I did wrong, but there isn't anything else. What you know is all that happened. You have my word! I know that loving me and me hurting you took so much out of you, and I would never try to play the victim here. But I personally feel like the pain that every man has ever caused you in your life has fallen onto me. The exes that hurt you or made you feel less than, the father figures that hurt your mom and your family, and all the bad that you’ve seen in men fell onto me when I hurt you. I've become the villain in your story, and I think it's unfair because I'm a genuinely good man with a good heart who has loved you more and more each day. I know i could have done things better in our relationship, but I did try really hard to make you happy, your happiness was and still is extremely important to me. Yes, I fucked up, so I cannot sit here and act like I don't deserve all the blame because I do. But unlike all those men, I took accountability for my actions, I apologized profusely, and I made every change possible to show you how much I love you, how sorry I am, and how much I'd change for you. I'm not saying I'm the best man on earth, but I am a great man, and I know there aren't many men like me. I believe you've seen this firsthand, and it was why you feel in love with me. You saw firsthand how much energy and love I pour into my friends and family, how I'm always there for them, but most importantly you saw it when I gave it to you directly. I loved you the best I could while being completely broken inside, somedays feeling hopeless and dead inside, but every day I got up and did the best I could, and you may not want to believe that what I did was affected by these feelings, but it was. I wasn't thinking straight and i was making terrible decisions and I'm sorry...

When things were ending you would often say that love isn't enough to fix us, but I've come to the realization that I disagree. I think when true love is involved, like the love we had, anything can be fixed with effort & time, and I was more than willing to give you 10,000,000%. Love is as much a choice as it is a feeling, and every single day I wake up and tell myself that I am going to love you as much as I possibly can. I operate my day with my love for you in my heart. At night, when I lay in bed, in my mind I have a little daydream where I stand up at a podium in front of all the other Zos in me (the child, the adolescent, the teenager, the young adult, etc.) and I say, "We tried our best today, boys!" One will say, "But will we please try again tomorrow? 🥹" And I just smile because I love you, and I'm going to choose to love you each day going forward until one day it stops. That probably won't be anytime soon because I know myself, and maybe that's sad to hear, but it's true. I'm just going to be here, loving you, hoping that one day I hear from you. Maybe I'm crazy for still holding on this long, but something in me tells me it's okay, and I will always listen to what's in me.

You were my home for the longest time, and now I just feel adrift—a romantic nomad with no place to call home. I miss our connection, how we flowed, how we were so comfortable in each other's silence. I miss the laughter, I miss your softness, I miss your strength, I miss your smile—oh my God, I miss that smile. Man, you have no idea; that smile is literal music to my soul. What's funniest to me are the 3 things I miss the most:

1. I miss those early morning goodbye kisses you'd give me when I was half asleep and your lips were full of lip gloss. I never liked things on my lips, but that gloss would leave me feeling that kiss for an hour after you were gone.

2. I miss when you'd jump on me and say, "I need five minutes of cuddles! FIVE MINUTES!" And you'd literally time it, lol—you lying there glued to my chest.

3. I miss our Starbucks breakfasts, sitting there with my little sandwich while you drank your coffee, exchanging smiles. 

 One thing that has bothered me the most about this year is that I did not have the ability to be there for you while you took care of your mom, and you having to go through that without someone to lean on. I'll never forgive myself for that. Many times, when we spoke in December I asked if to allow me to take care of you while you took care of your mother. I told you I would pay your bills, so that you could be more flexible with your finances, but that was the tip of the iceberg. I would have done anything to help you, Skye, and Mark out. I would have worked 2 or 3 boys just to allow you to only worry about your mom. To hear that you sold your house makes me feel like shit, because you would always tell me that you wanted to buy that house from your mom, and I wanted that for you. I would have done anything to make that happen, and I know there's nothing I can do now, but it sucks to think I put myself in a position to not be able to support you when you probably needed me most. I tried to send money here and there while providing kind words on her GoFundMe, I pray they were helpful, and not hurtful to you. I'm just happy that there was a silver lining in this, as your mom is in full remission, and now she gets 2 birthdays! I've prayed about you and your family every night this year: at first to get you all through this, and now thankfulness that everything worked on in your families favor. I do wish that our mothers would have gotten the opportunity to meet, because I know they would have gotten along. Speaking of my mom, that lady is your biggest fan. A few weeks ago, she asked me if I was starting to date again and I told her no, and she says to me "Good! We're still in mourning" she's impossible lol

I have said I'm sorry for hurting you countless times, and I will say sorry a million more times if I have to. I know what I did hurt you, embarrassed you, and honestly broke you. I know what I did forced you to walk away, but when I tell you that you leaving broke me... for months, I walked around this city aimlessly, just kind of existing. A lot of things had no meaning anymore, no purpose. Losing you took all of the joy out of my life, and for months I didn't know which way was up. I will say I'm in a good place now, but I still miss and think about you every single day. I still think about you constantly. I love you as much today as I did then, and I will ALWAYS love you, but I've had to come to terms with the fact that you're not coming back, and we’ll probably never speak again. It sucks and I hope I'm wrong, but that's life sometimes.

I know this will probably never be read (but if by some miracle you do still check this site and are reading this right now then maybe there is a conversation to be had between us, just saying...), but I'm glad I get to say it out loud. The one thing that bothers me the most is that you and I will never get the opportunity to do the one thing I wanted to do with you the most, and that's give our children the soft childhood we always prayed for ourselves to have. We didn't have it easy, but we made the best of it, and for that reason, there is no one else I’d rather have by my side than you. You and I have one of the greatest connections, and we worked so well on every level that I know our marriage would have been a dream, and our children would have gotten the chance to see true love at its finest.

I love you, Blasia Robles, and I hope one day when you think about me, you smile again and that the hate is gone. I'm so very sorry I hurt you. I was going through so much while we were together and I know you don't want to believe that it could have influenced my decision-making abilities, but it did. I should have just spoken to you, but I honestly didn't know how. I love you in every sense of the word. I hope you know how much you are loved and missed.