7/16/2024

It was on this magical day two years ago that you and I first spoke. I will always treasure this day, but that is not the reason for this letter... Today, I want to speak on our last interaction. May 23rd, 2024, I stood at your doorstep. I'd like to speak on the faith that led me to your door. On May 16th, as I laid my head down to sleep that night, I prayed about you (per usual), but I asked God for something a little different. While asleep, I had a dream about you, and when I tell you this was one of the most realistic dreams I've ever had, I cannot put into words how real it felt. In my dream, I walked up your driveway on a bright sunny day, knocked at your door, you answered, and I could see the look of confusion in your eyes, but also a welcoming smile. I asked you to step outside so that we may speak, and you obliged my request. What I said next I'll never forget: 'Hi! I just want to start off by saying that I love you, but that is not why I am here. I've prayed for you, your mother, and your family every night, and God has made it clear to me that you have the weight of the world on your shoulders. I know that as much as you may have help, this burden is falling hardest upon you. I am here for you, I need to be here for you. I know you may not want my help at this very moment considering our circumstances, but whatever you need from me, I will help you with no questions asked.' We spoke about a few different things, and I left with the ability to help you in whatever small or big way you desired. When I woke up the next morning, I told myself that I wouldn't be going to your house. I know how you are about seeing me, so I pushed it aside, but that's the thing about having a relationship with God. Everything I do now is led by my faith and His purpose for my life. For the next few days, I just kind of shrugged the dream off. On that Saturday, I was really down for some reason; I can't explain why, but everything felt wrong, so I thought to myself, 'maybe I need to take this dream seriously, because I am not at peace.' Later that evening, my mom texted me and asked me to join her at church, and I said yes, I'll be there. That night, I slept at Marc's, but for the life of me, I could not sleep. I tossed and turned for hours, thinking about the dream, asking God how I should proceed, begging Him for answers. I finally fell asleep around 7 a.m., but had to wake up at 8 a.m. for church. On the way to church, I'm praying in the car, just asking for guidance (when I pray in my car alone, I just speak out loud to God; it feels more personal, like He's actually sitting next to me). I get to church, and there's a guest speaker. While the congregation is standing and singing, I'm standing with my eyes closed, asking for answers. The guest speaker begins to talk and says, 'Today, I want to talk to all of you about coming up short. Many times in life we ask for things, we beg for things, we pray for things, and just as we're about to receive our blessing, we give up. I'm here today to tell you not to give up. If there is something you truly want, something you truly love, something your heart is full for, then you need to not give up. You fight!' 'My first example is relationships; many times people give up on their partner because they are not willing to do the work. Sometimes effort is 60/40, 70/30, 90/10, but if you're willing to fight for it and not come up short, I promise you that your blessing is on its way.' So I'm listening to all of this and yeah, I mean, it's a sign, technically, but church messages are kinda always on the nose, so I pray and tell God I need more. Later that evening, we are at Fito's for a Memorial Day cookout, and I'm there chilling, but the whole day I was off, and I do my best to hide it, but I'm sure someone noticed. After a few hours, I go to leave, saying bye to everyone, and the last person I say bye to is Choney. He pulls me aside and says, 'Hey, I leave for vacation tomorrow, but I get back next week, and I think we should do lunch. Let's talk.' And I said okay, I'd be down. As I'm walking away, he calls me back and says, 'Listen to me... I was so happy and proud to see you at church today. Makes me so happy to see good men receive the word.' And then he says, 'Understand this... you get one great woman in your life, some men get two, some men get none at all. Any woman that leads you to God, any woman that teaches you love, you fight for them. So I don't know what you need to do, but figure it the fuck out and fight!' Mind you, he doesn't know anything about our situation. When he said that to me, it brought a tear to my eye, but I hid it obviously and just walked away. At this point, I've asked God for signs, and I've received two, but I needed more. Coming to see you was huge, and I needed more in order to face that task. The next day, on Monday, I packed for my move and tried not to think about it too much. That night, exhausted and in bed, I spoke with our boy upstairs and asked Him for more signs. Tuesday rolls around, and I'm headed to my old apartment with my sisters following behind me to get my sneakers around 5 p.m. I'm praying in the car on the way, talking aloud with God, asking Him for two more signs. I said, 'God, I need two things from You. 1. I need one more sign that I need to go see her because I have not been at peace, and 2. Please open up a line of communication between us.' I asked for two very specific things, which is something I felt comfortable doing because of how much my faith and relationship with Him have grown. So after I pack up all of my shoes, I'm heading to storage, and Nef texts me. He's venting to me about some girl, so I call him and say, 'Hey bro, I love you and you know I'm here for you, but I can only give you so much at this moment; I have a lot going on and my emotional capacity is very limited.' So he's like, 'What's up? Tell me what's going on.' Mind you, Nef knows little to nothing about what happened between us, so I didn't even speak about it. All I did in this moment was just speak about you as a woman and how wonderful of a person you are. I spoke for 45, maybe 60 seconds, and he says, 'Stop! I've heard enough! What are you doing, bro? You need to go to her! This is your sign.' And I said, 'Bro, you have no idea that I've been praying about this and asking for another sign.' He had absolutely no idea I had been praying about this. So now I'm like, okay, I got my sign, but I did ask for two things. Around 8:30 p.m., I'm driving back home after moving my shoes. While I'm driving, my phone gives me an alert, which is weird because my phone is like a piece of sandpaper these days because of how dry it is; I don't really speak to many people. I pick up my phone, and it's Snapchat; it says, 'Check out Blasia Robles's new post,' and I'm just like, 'What?!?' So I click on it, and there you were... a vision, ugh lol my heart melts thinking about how beautiful you looked in that moment, but there it was, the second specific sign I asked for, a way to communicate. That moment, I knew I had to go see you. As I laid in bed that night, I asked God that if I'm making the wrong decision, to please show me so that I don't do more harm than good. The next two days (Tuesday and Wednesday), I prayed to be shown I shouldn't go, and nothing happened. Both days, I was filled with nerves because of what was to come that Thursday. I woke up Thursday morning, and I felt such peace, it was unnatural knowing what I had on my plate that day. I worked, then after work I went and got a haircut, and then I hit the gym lol if I was going to come, I was coming correct 😅 had to look good for ya. As I'm leaving the gym heading to you, I'm sitting at a red light like 20 minutes away, and I say to God, 'If I shouldn't do this, please show me now,' and this is how I know God is hilarious. As I open my eyes, your exact car pulls up next to me at the light, same color and everything, and I just busted out laughing. Obviously, 20 minutes later I get to your house, and we know how the rest goes. I'm not going to go into that part, but I could see the stress in your face, and that breaks my heart because there's nothing I can do to help you, I want you to know that I could see the stress and anger in your eyes, but regardless, you're absolutely gorgeous to me. I say all of that to say this: In my dream, God allowed me to help you, so based on all the signs, I thought that's how our conversation was going to go, but that was not God's plan. From the day everything came out and ruined us until the moment I saw you that night, I have not had one day of peace. My heart has been filled with regret and pain. It took so much out of me daily, and that is why I was trying so hard to fix us. I was truly afraid of losing the love of my life, and that was selfish of me. I truly do apologize for not giving you the space you needed in order to heal. When I left your house that day, I thought I would be devastated, in pieces, broken, but I wasn't. I felt peace. I felt like I had done everything I could do as a man to fix us. When I say I've done everything in my power to become a better man for you, I truly mean it. That is not to say I wasn't a great man before, because I was, but in these last 8/9 months, I did 4+ months of therapy, took on a VP role in Jamar's nonprofit, got back into school, and I go to the gym 5/6 times a week for the past 6 months in order to show how dedicated I can be. And most importantly, I built a real relationship with God. Therapy helped me to see why I did what I did and heal from my broken past, but loving God has shown me how to become the man I've always wanted to be, and this was all done for you. If I said I did it for me, I'd be lying, because I didn't. I changed for you, the woman I love. You brought me to God; you made me become someone I am proud of, and I pray that one day I get the opportunity to show you. When I left your house that day, I felt as if it was time to let go and move on, as if he wanted me to put us behind me, but that wasn't God's plan. To be honest, I don't know what His plan is still. All I know is that the day I saw you has given me the peace to not bother you and let you heal, but my love for you, like my love for God and His love for us, is still unwavering. I love you as much today as I did the day I fell for you. God is keeping you in my heart, and He will not let you leave, and I'm not sure why, but my faith in His plan for me is locked in. So we may not speak, but my love for you isn't going anywhere anytime soon. That is something I am absolutely sure of, and honestly, I'm more than okay with that. I want you to know that I am rooting for you, I pray for you every single night, and I smile at our memories. Everything reminds me of you, lol, and I am reminded daily that you were/are such a huge part of my life, and that's why today is so special to me. Thank you for being so incredible that I had to find God in order to love you properly. You truly are one of His favorites, and mine too. I pray you visit me in my dreams tonight, and if that's not the case, then at least I know I'll wake up with you in my heart. Happy July 16th... I Love You!