Hi Beautiful, 

I never know where to start with these letters, so I'll just ramble. 2 weeks ago today I found myself; along with my cousins carrying my grandmother's casket through the church. Our fathers did not have the strength to do it themselves, rightfully so. When asked I immediately said yes, because it seemed like an honor. It's not my first time doing it as I carried my grandfather when I was 11, but it was my first time as an adult. What they do not tell you is that once you present your loved one to the church, they make you stand there staring the casket for anywhere from 5-10 minutes, and this is not an exaggeration. As I stood there trying to recall as many beautiful memories as I could, I also began to think about how short life is. Later that week I decided to record another video to put on the page, just to say hello for the most part, but I didn't, idk why I didn't, I just couldn't post it. It felt unfair posting my thoughts over you after a loss like that, so I did nothing. This past Friday, March 21st I went to Bilmar with Gio. I don't go there too often anymore, but Gio had a free night and really wanted to go, so we went. I was there for 20 minutes when I looked across the bar and there you were…. or so I thought. I turn to Gio, and I tell him I see you, and he's like there's no way she would come here, she knows this is your spot. He looked anyway and he was as convinced as I was that it was you. I have seen you hundreds of times and I can tell you I was sure it was you. I have told myself so many times that if I ever ran into you, I would be cool, give a head nod, a smile, maybe even a light hello, but it would be a quick, innocent interaction at best. I can tell you right now that I understand why we share no way of contact. I don’t know how you feel about me at this point or if you even care about me anymore, but when I thought I saw you I was literally shaking. My hands were hidden under the table because seeing my ex, the love of my life without preparation made me feel so weak. I told gio my hands are shaking and he's like "bro, I know you're not okay, but at least you look good" lmaooo what a thing to say. I did look good though; no lies were told lol. I walked outside into the cold jacketless just to calm myself, and when I returned, I looked over and it wasn't you. I instantly felt relief, I have never been made to feel that way by anyone. It just shows me how much I really do love you. Still till this day I think about you so much. I try to focus on other things but there you are always in my thoughts. I have gone on some dates, had some interactions, but I don't think I'm ready. No one has yet to speak to my heart the way you did/do, and until that happens, I will enjoy life alone. I want you to know that I am truly happy for you that you have found someone. To be this in love with you is to want your happiness over anything, even my own. I pray that he provides in the areas where I lack in abundance or you. You deserve the universe, and as much as I wanted to be the man to give that to you unfortunately for me, I am not. The day I found out you were in a new relationship I reached out to Dean/Mike/Gio/Jamar, my dawgs, my closest boys. They all had the same reaction. They said, "You should be happy for her, you know damn well that if she allowed herself to be with another man it is because he makes her happy, and you should be happy for her!" You would think as men they'd want to talk shit, but nope, just praise for you. Losing you was the biggest mistake I have made in my life, and I am reaffirmed by that notion by how much the people in my life still value you till this day... I don't hurt the way I used to; I have come to terms that you'll never love me again, and that the book has closed on us, but I still love you just the same. I can't control it, and maybe that makes me crazy, but I’m okay with it. My love for you still drives me to be a better man each and every day. I have made so many strides, and I love who I am now. Alot of that is thanks to you. You saved my life Blasia, and I will forever be in your debt. I was so broken when I was with you, and you stuck by me, and I'll always love you for being the incredible woman you are. I will sing praise to your name until I move on from this earth. I have almost been without you for as long as I was with you, and it's crazy to think that I still feel this much or this hard, but you were my home, my best friend, my passenger princess, and my baby girl. Doesn't matter how long we were together the love I developed for you is/was overwhelming and I didn't know what to do with it, and I’m truly sorry for that... I'm starting to see more and more loss in life which puts how short life is into perspective. Writing this may not be appropriate, but after thinking I saw you it became necessary. I prayed about it, and told myself all weekend "okay, today I'll write" and kept pushing it back. Then I saw this quote that said, "There are graveyards full of men who thought they would see tomorrow", so here we are. I hope this finds you well. I love you, I pray for you and your family, and I’m happy that you are happy...